LIFE SKILLS
M
ischa T hadani* w as alm ost
ce rtain th a t h e r h u sb a n d w as
having an affair. I t certain ly
w o u ld n ’t b e th e first tim e. E ven
th o u g h N aveen* h ad p ro m ised
an d begged th e last tim e, th e re w as still a voice in
h e r h ea d tellin g h e r th a t h e w as a t it again. S he
sta rted c o n n e ctin g a p p a re n t d o ts—him n o t w an tin g
h e r a ro u n d on a b o y ’s n ig h t out, h is su p p o sed
secrecy, a n d his n ew -fo u n d g ro o m in g habits. S oon
sh e found h e rse lf d o in g cra zy things like w aitin g
fo r h im to sleep so sh e could g o th ro u g h his
p h o n e, lo oking for listings o f p rivate d etectiv es on
th e In te rn e t, and ev en th in k in g o f installing a spy
p ro g ram o n th e co m p u ter. W h ile sh e d id n ’t
in d u lg e in th e sp y activities, sh e d id have a
co m p lete m e ltd o w n w ith h e r h u sb a n d and
accusations flew b o th w ays. T h in g s g o t so b ad th a t
th e y h a d to s ta rt co u p le’s counselling. Eventually,
w ith th e p atien c e o f h e r h u sb an d , h e r counsellor,
an d h e r o w n ability to le t go, sh e realized th a t h e r
b eg ru d g ed b eh av io u r w as m ak in g h e r im agination
ru n am ok an d w as also stifling h e r h u sb an d . T h ese
revelations cam e w ell in tim e b ec au se o f
counselling, b u t unfortunately, m any people allow
th e ir gru d g es to g et th e b e tte r o f th e m , realizing
only w h e n it’s to o late. B u t som etim es, if you let
go, th e sam e p erso n y ou sp e n t tim e h a tin g could
tu rn o u t to be a g re a t friend. I f n ot, y o u ’ll still do
y o u rself a good d ee d by g ettin g over th a t
aggravating grudge.
Why We Brood
W e’ve all b e e n th e re , e x p e rien c in g th a t sad,
satisfying feeling w h e n w e like to tw ist o u r m inds
ab o u t w h y a c e rta in p e rso n did u s w ro n g an d w h a t
can b e d o n e to eq u al th e score. In th e b eg in n in g
w e fleetingly th in k ab o u t w h a t h a p p e n e d b u t th e
slow b u ild -u p o f th o u g h ts leaves u s fro th in g a t th e
m o u th u n ab le to th in k o f m u c h else. W e develop
th e h a b it a t school, w h en p e tty rivalries lead to
g ru d g es th a t last a lifetim e. A nd th in k ab o u t it, it’s
so m e th in g th a t w e all in d u lg e in. A ccording to D r
B havna B arm i, C linical Psychologist, E sco rts H e a rt
In stim te & R esearch C entre, D elhi, “T h e basic
rea so n for h o ld in g a g ru d g e is th e sam e reaso n w e
clin g to any idea; it h elp s p ro v id e stability for o u r
sen se o f self” S he also suggests th a t g ru d g es are a
BeyondForgiveness
“ Resentment is like taking poison and waitingforthe other person
todie/’ said Irish-American actor, writer and politician Malachy
McCourt. So doyourselfafavour—forgive and move on.
■ Getting overagrudge is an act of
kindness you do unto yourself. It’s for
your peace of mind, so don’t make it
dependent on another’s behaviour.
Many times it’s this expectation that
lets us down. You maythinkthat some
people don’t deserve to be forgiven,
but remember lettinggo is more for
your benefit than others. And before
you write forgiveness off as new-age
hocus-pocus, considerthis: according
to
Harvard Women’s Health Watch,
a
study found that there was a direct
link between forgivingsomeoneand
an improvement in heart rate and
blood pressure. In another study
published in the January 2009 edition
of
Psychol Health,
conducted by The
U niversity of Wisconsi n-Madison, US,
it was found that patients who were a
part of forgiveness groups showed
feweranger-induced myocardial
perfusion defects, which are related
to the lack of blood flow to the heart.
■ Dr Singh saysthat forgiveness
stems out of the need to mend
relationships. It has to come from
within, it can’t be forced; it is about
self realization. “Forgiveness is also a
step towards moving on, out of the
emotional turmoil.” Just forgive and
get it out of your head because each
one of us has gone through ups and
downs. Eventually, by lettinggo, the
only person who benefits is you. “By
holdingagrudgeyou will bumyour
blood over something that will bear
little or no fruit”
■ Ifyou find difficulty lettinggo, Dr
Barmi suggests you start by forgiving
the person and not the deed. It’s
important to walk a few minutes in
their shoes to understand the stress
they may have been through. And
most importantly,"beforeyou
forgive, have an honest look at
yourself and where you fai led the
other person."
42
JANUARY 2011 8ETTER HOM ES AND GARDENS
P H O T O G R A P H ; F O T O S T U D IO FM /C O R B IS
